Dear Mr. Wheatheart:
As a dedicated user of one of your most fabulous products ever invented – the Wheatheart post pounder – I have some suggestions for your product.
Considering you have the word heart in your name, I am led to believe that you must have had romance in mind when you built the Wheatheart post pounder. Never have we had so many romantic evenings in the prairie with the stars shining brightly above, as we have had with the post pounder in tow over the years. However, as Valentine’s Day is the next holiday on the horizon, I can only imagine that you could further perfect your post pounder so that it becomes the present of choice for ranch husbands to their wives around the globe. Because what says love more than a shiny red post pounder with a bow sitting in the front yard?
So with that thought in mind, I have some suggestions for you to improve upon this glorious device to further the romance of ranch couples everywhere…
First, the communication system must be improved. The quiet romance under the stars is shattered as soon as the screaming over the sound of the post pounder commences. I would suggest that this unit come with a headset for the driver and post pounder operator. An added feature that I would gladly pay for would be to add a translation service to turn every barked command into loving words of praise and encouragement to the other party. “Are you watching where the **** you are going?!??!!” would magically turn into “Dearest, please keep in mind that there is a drop off in exactly four inches so please bring the pickup to a stop.”
In our household, we have tried several methods for improving the couple-building skills that inevitability happens while pounding posts. When the kids were little, I was the chief driver of the pickup. This meant as the driver you were somehow expected to drive the pickup in a straight line, watching for the cliff in four inches, back the pickup when overshooting the target area, and keep from knocking the mirrors off the pickup all while trying to keep three kids from killing each other, change the diaper on one, nurse another and keep the other from throwing all the toys out the window. None of these roles allowed for the development of this loving relationship that I know you clearly had in mind when you developed this product. Therefore, a remote-controlled driver would really enhance this product to a next-line invention.
If not, after years of getting advice on my crummy driving skills, I decided that if I couldn’t drive, my dearest husband could assume all the inside the pickup job responsibilities, and I would gladly take the peaceful quiet achieved by walking behind the pounder with ear protectors on. However, this brings a whole new list of challenges. Dad apparently does not have the endurance training to take three kids in the pickup with him, feed them, change diapers, entertain them and drive so it isn’t long before the kids are trucking behind the post pounder as well. This leads to the next enhancement – sippy cup holders, booster seats and definitely a slingshot to send the kid back and forth to the pickup when they grow weary of their new post in life.
Then after we get all these technical difficulties handled, onto the pounder itself. Considering the only time we have had cows get on the highway and require a middle-of-the-night call from the Sheriff’s office was in the dark, these post pounders really must be equipped with state-of-the-art lighting systems. Trying to pound posts in the dark is really quite challenging without adequate light to figure out which star in the universe you are trying to align the post to.
And while we are getting technical here….my greatest desire is a feature that would analyze the terrain and would automatically calculate the optimum way to pound the post straight up and down and in line with the existing fence. For anyone that happened to drive past one of our nighttime fencing projects, you can easily tell how this did not go right and why this is such a crucial feature for the Midnight Ranch operation we are.
Then to resolve the constant complaints of being too far away from the fence line on a sidehill that was never meant to be fenced with a pickup, an airbag under each tire that could be inflated to bring the pounder to level would be the culminating feature of this new and re-designed Valentine Lovers 2023 package.
I am telling you, Mr. Wheatheart, you could save more marriages across the country with these mere modifications that would allow for more quality fencing operations and romantic getaways to the back 40 or 640. When you are ready for testing of your newly designed package, please let me know. I anxiously await a more peaceful Valentine’s Day than has ever been had before!
Sincerely,
Midnight Ranch wife
Ranch Life 